2008 - Thanks for the Memories

As I look back over 2008 I'm grateful that:

Family and friends continue to support and encourage me as I move forward with my life.

I was introduced to Trickster, in the form of Coyote, through Native American stories. I find him wise and witty ... oh, and unpredictable and unmanageable and sometimes disruptive, but the laughter he brings brightens the darkest day.

My grief is healed. It was the three-part metaphor of the time change (dark to light), spring (new life) and Easter (resurrection power) that brought completion to the grief process. Do I still think of those I lost? Absolutely! Do I miss their presence in my life? Of course! Can I go on and make a new life? Yes, now I can.

I discovered Julia Cameron and her books on creativity. I found The Artist's Way workshop -- and did it! For me, it was a giant leap of faith. I followed on with the Vein of Gold, continuing to prod the dreamer into action. I accomplished my goals of beginning a blog and starting a Transitions to Transformation workshop focusing on the process of transition after change has interrupted your life.

I've had the privilege of meeting the French philosopher Gabriel Marcel (1889-1973) through the writing of a friend. I'm learning to breathe with the rhythm of life and to explore the "mystery of being."

I found out my heart is ok by taking a 9-1-1 e-ticket ride to the hospital. Seems I have high blood pressure. I can work with that... diet and exercise! Ok, so those are not my two favorite words, but I can gain appreciation for what they represent.

And so begins my list of things I'm grateful for in 2008.

Ending or Beginning?

We're coming up on the end of the year, which marks the beginning of a new year. The end and the beginning. Many times we're confused by their position in our lives. The end marks the beginning. I recently came across a quote by T.S. Eliot which says, What we call the beginning is often the end and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.

Often the end of something brings us to a place of despair where we think that nothing will ever be right or happen again. Yes, the end can be traumatic, as when I lost my father and then two days later my husband died. I did think it was over ... but I knew somewhere inside me that it also signalled a new beginning. At the time, I couldn't imagine what that might look like, nevertheless, I knew I had to go on and make a new life. Don't get me wrong. We don't just hop up and take off on a new adventure after having severe loss hit our lives. It has taken time to make the transition from grieving through healing into living again.

Each journey is unique, but we also have points in common. It's the common denominators that link us to one another. I may not have experienced your exact loss, but I know the pain of loss. I may not be moving in the direction your life is taking you, but I know the joy of new beginnings. It's at the point of connection where I believe we can learn from one another, cheer one another and share our moments together.

Life is a winding path that takes us places many of us never thought or planned to go. But as we follow the circuitous route our life takes, we will find many interesting people and places along the way. Some are meant for the moment, others may become an ongoing part of our lives. Let's keep our eyes open and value, cherish and treasure the moments, for in them, we may find our future staring back at us.

Why Blog?

As I ask myself this question, these answers pop out -- it's for growth, for the challenge, for the practice, for the accomplishment. Now what does that all mean to me?

Growth -- writing growth, expression growth, being able to both identify and articulate my thoughts, ideas and beliefs. There's a lot of room for growth here!

The challenge -- the challenge to both come up with writings and to commit to doing them is big for me. I have a tendency to give up at the slightest blow to my ideas. I'm accepting the challenge this blog represents and will commit to write on a regular basis.

The practice -- everyone knows practice makes perfect ... well, maybe not perfect, but practice definitely helps you get better at whatever skill you are endeavoring to develop. Swing, batter! Write, writer!

The accomplishment -- what a charge we get when we complete a goal we set before ourselves. Just getting the blog up was huge for me. Those first posts were exhilarating . I want to continue that sense of accomplishment as well as accomplish what I set out to do.

And so, for now, I blog.

Mentors, Magic and Me

While many take advantage of a mentoring relationship to find motivation, encouragement and inspiration, I find what I want most is magic to happen. Just being close to those who are accomplishing all I desire will somehow provide magical transference of power. Unfortunately, I have discovered that's not how it works. Too bad. I think there's real potential there ... at least for those of us not energized or motivated enough to do the hard work necessary to accomplish what we claim we want.

I remember my 9th grade Latin teacher explaining to me that if I worked as diligently on my Latin as I did on reasons why I didn't do my Latin, I could have an A in Latin. Ah, but an A in Latin was not my goal. My true plan was to do as little as possible in Latin and still get by with a passing grade. Is D passing? What does a 14 year old know about the need for Latin, not as an academic acheivement, but as a model of committing to the process required to accomplish a goal? Not enough!

How do we learn to take responsibility for the abilities given us, the tasks required of us or the just plain "stuff" of life that depends on our giving our best effort to complete? Several times while watching tennis, I've heard commentators remark that "it's so disappointing to see such a gifted player not performing at their best because they lack the discipline necessary to do so." Ouch. I resemble that remark and their words sting.

How do we get off the path of least resistance? My guess would be that we must intentionally step onto the road less travelled. We must be the one who takes no shortcuts, climbs steadily ahead and does not pull off to park. This requires diligence, discipline and dogged determination to stay focused and attentive. Fortunately, we can learn new tricks. It's never too late to change direction - and attitude - allowing our mentors to provide the advice and encouragement needed to help us attain our desired goals!

Without a Vision

Without a vision, the people perish. There is also a great tendency to cast off restraint. Well, why not? Everything is going down the tubes anyway. What do you see ahead of you? Trouble, depression, economic downturn, gloom and doom? You're not alone. And even if you do see possibilities ahead of you, you're in the minority. The positive report is often not well received. The one holding out the potential of a good outcome is dismissed as a pollyanna type with a diminished capacity of understanding exactly what's happening and why it won't work out as hoped!

It's hard to keep your head, when all around are losing theirs. It's challenging to hold a positive vision for the future in the face of constant negativity. Where does the strength come from? There must be an internal compass, a guidance system, that keeps us centered and focused. I believe it is faith. Faith in a power greater than ourselves.

I have been without a vision and did cast off all restraint, resulting in a pit of drugs, depression and despair. But at the end of my rope, when the blackness surrounded me and I realized I was absolutely powerless to sustain myself, I discovered there is a God who loves me and gave Himself for me. What an amazing love story. He pulled me out of the pit and set my feet on solid ground. If not for Him, I would be dead. Instead I'm alive and thriving. He's brought me through the valley of the shadow of death and has held open a door to my future. There's hope for me yet!

To the natural eye, there is much to be concerned about; but to the eye of faith, there is always possibility and potential ahead of us. I have been without a vision. I choose now to keep the faith.

Seasonal Changes

This weekend we move back to standard time. I'm a sunshine person and the signal of the autumn and winter seasons approaching gives me pause. I don't like dark and cold. It's said the days are shorter ... but they still contain 24 hours. Carl Jung's quote that "there are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course" reminds me that it all balances out eventually. I have days of opportunity in front of me. Daylight is gone sooner, but I continue with the same number of hours available and I live in the electricity age, so while it's dark outside, inside glows with the warmth and light of modern conveniences.

Not liking something doesn't mean I can't value and learn from it. We will have days with more darkness than light, but the seasons swing back and the light returns. Now, as twilight's shadows cover the outdoors, I'm not going to allow the shadows to fall across my mind and stall my attempts at writing, creating and otherwise taking full advantage of the time available. If I understand that the early darkness can generate a "downer" mood, then I know I can choose my response to it.

Shadows fall across our lives in many ways. The shadows of loss, shadows of conflict, shadows of financial crisis all work to darken our view of life. We take on the negative messages and lose sight of the possibilities that are available. I spoke with someone in the banking industry and he recently changed jobs, but still in banking and with a significantly higher salary.

Possibilities exist! Can you see them? Don't let the shadows separate you from the light of your dreams. Keep walking and you will come through the valley of shadows and step out into the light of promise.

Birthday Markers

I recently heard a new friend saying that she plans her birthday celebrations far in advance. I was impressed! I often try to ignore mine. We've been conditioned by our culture to avoid aging at all costs. No lines, no wrinkles ... no candles on the birthday cake. While I can appreciate youth's opportunities and the years that stretch before them, I have come to recognize the richness of my own experiences ... although I can feel umbrage rise up when I'm called old!

Our family recently celebrated several birthdays and only one was called significant. Hmm, I wonder that every birthday isn't to be honored as significant. My mother turned 82, quite a milestone. A niece celebrated her 38th, unique in its own way. (I remember my own 38th birthday and smile) However, her father turned the Big 6-O. Those decade markers have taken on a life of their own. The question comes to mind - does how we live the 1-9 years create a more significant zero year? I think so.

I have a birthday coming up. It's not significant as defined by a zero on the end, but it is becoming more significant to me as I understand the value of a life well lived. My husband shared the same birth month as mine. As I think of him, I'm reminded of the examples he set, the character that defined him, and the life lessons he taught me.

As I prepare to celebrate my birthday this year I, too, want to plan ahead. I want to be well thought of after I'm gone. My actions today are creating those memories ... as well as preparing for the next Big-O birthday! This year is a little 3, but it's significant and I plan to treat it with the respect, appreciation and celebration I deserve!

Birthday blessings to all ... whenever it may be.

Stones of Remembrance

Memorials leave, not just a trail of bread crumbs, but a significant representation of the way it was as we made our way through a particularly difficult season. I was encouraged early in my grief to look for memorial stones that would identify my crossing over, much as the Israelites did when they crossed over the Jordan into the Promised Land. When the suggestion was first made, I couldn't see beyond the immediate moment of pain, much less get a glimpse of any future. But the words I heard that day, when you cross over, dropped into my heart and a tiny seed of hope was planted. It was close to 18 months later before I was able to bring together those stones of remembrance; before I was able to see all that God had provided, just as He had for the Israelites in their wilderness.

There are many lessons in the wilderness ... wherever that wilderness may be. I have also discovered that once I crossed over out of the wilderness of grief, that I had landed in a brand new wilderness! It seems much of life is about the wilderness experience. Are you going through something right now? Begin to look for the provision. Begin to notice who encourages you. Begin to watch for unexpected coincidences. In the midst of things going wrong, what went right? As we begin to look with new eyes it's amazing what we see. And when something catches your eye, take note. These will become your stones of remembrance. When you are asked how you made it through that difficult time, you will be able to point to the stones and tell others how you were helped.

The first stones that I identified were family and friends. It always comes back to the special people in our lives who are there with us through thick and thin. There were many prayers said on my behalf and I believe those helped sustain me. My faith deepened during this season. Music lifted my spirits. My journals contain all I poured out - the pain, the anger, the fears, the anguish. I learned deeper lessons about the transitions in life and how they move us from where we are into the new places we're meant to be. I have 12 small painted stones as reminders of the way the Lord has brought me. I have a vision for the future and confidence that it will come to pass. Look how far I've come!

New Beginnings

I've come a long way over the past two years and find myself now at the starting point of a new journey. I've crossed over the seemingly insurmountable chasm of grief. I lost my father on June 18, 2006 and two days later my husband died. The buffer of shock settled over my brain dousing me in a bath of chemicals that numbed me into a place of coping without feeling the full impact of life's new realities. Based on my belief in God, I saw His hand throughout the processes of both my dad's and my husband's passing, but it has taken a two year journey to come to the place of healed grief. God was calling them home, untying the threads that had been knit together when He made them, but now setting them free to return to their God and Maker. It is the process we will all make one day and I have two beautiful examples of God's gentle leading as the time of death approaches. But for those who remain there is a season of pain and grief.

I've traveled step by step, sometimes moment by moment, through the valley of the shadow of death. I have received many graces and recognize that "surely goodness and mercy have followed me" all these days. Now as I look forward to the new adventures, new acquaintances and new direction life has, I want to give others what I received - HOPE. It was hearing the words that I would cross over that first planted the seeds of hope in my heart. Wherever you are in your journey, please know that it is possible to cross over safely into the next season. For myself, I have chosen to begin again - to start living, start doing and, most importantly, start being. As the fog banks clear up, I want to learn new things. I want to write. My first steps are taking place right here as I use this blog to begin writing in a world outside my own private journals.

It is my hope that some of my experiences will encourage others to recognize the markers on their own life path. It is important to share the stories of transition and transformation as they happen during our own lifetime. Our lives are not meant to be lived in isolation. The lessons we learn have immeasurable value as we share them with others. To learn the lessons of others is great wisdom. May we learn together.

Marked by Inspiration

Part of my inspiration for this blog comes from the writings of a young man a third my age, but seemingly with twice my wisdom. He does however solidly reflect the wisdom of his father, who's a dear friend. This young man wrote, "I want my writing to continue to be accessible to anyone who dares read it, and to touch on memories and emotions we've all felt, but just dismissed as too mundane to bother dwelling on or talking about."

His words stung my eyes on their way to my heart. How often do we think what we're feeling has little or no value to others? And yet isn't it in the sharing of our emotions that we step out from behind our masks to reveal our humanity? We have common experiences that lead to common feelings that when identified can bring that sense of connection we all long to feel. This "band of brothers" feeling is the bond that links us to one another and gives us a sense of community and belonging that meets one of our deepest needs. I'm not trying to wax philosophical or psychological, but rather to identify the reason for opening my own experiences up to a public forum.

It has been helpful to me in recent years to listen to the stories of those who have traversed the wilderness of grief. As I mentioned in my first post, our experiences become not only the markers in our own lives, but also the guideposts for others who hear our stories and learn our lessons. There is much in life that comes at us without warning or instruction. We are catapulted into the middle of events that quickly overtake our lives long before we feel prepared to handle them. Events such as illness, loss of job, aging parents, and even death. And beyond the catastrophes is the daily living which seems so mundane, but still may require solutions we feel unprepared to make. How do I respond to the 20 year old who still lives at home but wants to be out all night? I'm losing sleep here. Who gets to rule the roost at this stage? Is it even about "ruling the roost?"

As I search to find meaning and give voice to my experiences, I am open to the possibility that what comes back will continue opening my eyes to the world around me. And so it is that I'm setting out to share the memories and emotions I've felt, inspired by a young man I've not met but feel a strong connection with. I hope his words inspire you as well.

Beginning Markers

Having come thus far in life and expecting to continue on for many more years, I've discovered it is good to pause periodically and take stock of where we've been, what we've learned and where we're heading. Looking back gives us opportunity to see patterns and routines that identify our default settings. Looking forward gives us focus and direction.

Learning to pause when the markers merit reflection helps us adjust to the changing landscape of our lives. The holes left in relationships by the passing of significant family members. The emptiness - and opportunities - when children leave the nest. The challenges of promotion, moving, downsizing. The excitement of engagement, the adjustment of marriage and possibly the pain of divorce. The ebb and flow of life swelled by the waves of change. How to make sense, how to make the transitions, how to mark the endings as well as anticipate the beginnings. These are the markers on our journey that remind us of what we've come through and leave memorials in place for those who follow. Please join me as we reflect on this journey called life.